How can I make this better?

Off the top of my head, you're lacking a defined rhythm. Read it out loud, and put your parenthetical information in those gaps in real-time. Also, slaughter passive voice wherever you find it hiding (was/were), and a bit of a word on, "could": someone either does something, or they do not; if they do not, we don't mention it. Eliminate wasted words, put emphatic things at the end of sentences, and you have a winner.